Can I Have $50,000 Jay-Z?

This is just a reminder that it doesn't mean much to a motherfucker like you, so why don't you hook up a motherfucker like me?

Reason #71: I’m A Pretty Good Bro

Hey Jay,

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve reached out, but you’ve been busy and so have I. I’m still busy, actually, but I’ve been reading the news about you and Beyonce and it looks like you could use a friend right about now.

Well, I have some great news for you, Jay. I’m a pretty good bro!

With the $50,000 you owe me, I can be a really great bro. I don’t want you to see this as you paying for friendship; I’m a pretty good bro, gratis. But, the $50k would definitely free me up from other obligations to make the most out of my bro capabilities.

Oh, did you want some examples of my bro competency? I’m glad you hypothetically asked.

- On Monday I’m going to see Point Break in theaters with a bunch of bros. We’re gonna get some pizza and beer beforehand. If you act fast you can come along!

- I’m trying to plan a Bro Weekend with my college bros for August. We’re thinking of renting a lake house in Connecticut and just chilling out and grilling and stuff. We could also go to Mohegan if we wanted. Peak Bro, eh? You are also invited to this.

- I own a few tank tops (but I don’t feel comfortable wearing them)

Anyway, I hope you feel some solace in my bro quotient.

Please keep your head up, don’t read too much of the tabloids and, as always, you can easily PayPal me $50,000 above.

Love,

Jeff

Reason #240,000,000: I’m Essentially A Seattle Expert

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Hey Jay-Z,

How is it going? First off, Happy Belated Birthday.

Also, congratulations on deciding to be a vegan for 22 days. Pretty cool, IMO.

I guess I should also congratulate you on the big deal you brokered between Robinson Cano and the Seattle Mariners.

You might need someone to help you navigate the waters of a foreign market for you and Jay, I am happy to help.

Katelyn and I went to Bumbershoot in Seattle over Labor Day Weekend and I consider myself a bit of a Seattle expert.

As part of the $50,000 you owe me, I will happily become both you and Robinson Cano’s Seattle Expert.

Here is an example of some of the Seattle Expert knowledge I can drop on you:

  • Avoid the “Mercer Mess”!
  • The paintball scene from 10 Things I Hate About You was filmed here.
  • Stephen slapped Irene in the face after throwing her teddy bear in the ocean right over there (NOTE: I will be pointing at the pier where this took place as I say this.)
  • Macklemore
  • The original portion of Seattle burnt down and is now underground. #Illuminati
  • Don’t look for the bridge Kurt Cobain slept under. That was in Aberdeen, Washington not Seattle, Washington!
  • Microsoft Zune
  • "I didn’t order the flying roe!" (This is a funny thing to say at Pike’s Place Market. You can say it either out loud or just as a quiet aside to someone else. Wouldn’t be a bad Instagram caption, either.)

Anyway, Jay-Z. I hope you appreciated this Seattle Sampler of knowledge dropped. 

I look forward to your deposit of $50,000 into my PayPal account.

Love,

Jeff

Reason #12: Your Watch Game Sucks

What’s good (always wanted to say that), Jay-Z? 

It’s your pal Jeff AGAIN inquiring about the status of the $50,000 you owe me.

I was perusing Black Sports Online today and saw this little nugget that said you bought Robinson Cano a $36,000 watch for his birthday.

"Cool," I thought to myself, wondering why you were dropping so much money on a middle infielder. I mean, sure the commission you’re going to make on his (probable) $300m deal is probably quite high, but is he going to deliver quality ideas for you like I am? 

Probably not. 

But then I saw the watch. Holy shit, that thing is ugly.

I understand that Hublot’s are your thing (and don’t forget this offer I made you) but that piece of shit cost $36,000?

My girlfriend recently got me a Fossil watch and it is beautiful and I love it. I get compliments on it all of the time. Since we’re currently not homeless, I can be certain that it did not cost $36,000 either.

That thing you gave Cano is kind of ridiculous. 

Also, I literally can’t tell what time it is in that picture.

You need me to help you step up your watch game. So I will consider the $50,000 my salary to be your Arbiter of Watch Purchase Common Sense. 

Let me know if I need to fill out my W-9 in advance.

Love,

Jeff

Reason #29: I Give Better Advice Than A Baby

Hey Jay-Z,

I just read that feature on you in Vanity Fair where you say that your baby Blue Ivy is your biggest fan.

Honestly, it’s starting to explain a lot.

I can kind of see why an 18-month-old would appreciate the sound of her father’s voice repeating the word Cake ad nauseam like a diabetic Rain Man. 

While it’s nice to be able to make some sort of connection with your child, I’m sure, maybe it’s best not to use a toddler as a bellwether for making good hip-hop.

That’s why, for $50,000, I will be promise to give you better advice than a baby but I will deliver it to you in your preferred method of communication; as an 18-month old child.

You play me your verse on Monster? I’ll start crying. I won’t stop until Nicki Minaj’s verse comes on.

You play me your verse on Suit & Tie? I’ll simultaneously poop and spit up.

You play me your verse on Pound Cake? First I’ll crawl to every electrical outlet to see if there’s anything I could possibly electrocute myself on. If there isn’t, I’ll move onto choking hazards. Hopefully the cabinets aren’t baby-proofed so I can get my tiny baby hands on some dishwasher detergent. If that’s all done, maybe I’ll look for some unsecured windows on the higher levels of our home. If that doesn’t work then, well, with any luck the song’s over.

Put on some Reasonable Doubt? I’ll goo goo and ga ga like the best of em. 

Anyway, I hope you consider this offer and I look forward to your $50k.

Baby Steps.

Love

Jeff

Reason #1278: I’m Super Worried About You

Hey Jay,

How is it going?

I was just made aware of that song Pound Cake you guested on and I’m not going to lie Jay, I’m super worried about you.

I skipped through Drake’s entire verse. I can’t take him seriously. You know a guy is soft when by comparison, Mike Cammalleri is the toughest Canadian Jew you can think of.

Then, it’s your turn and you deliver a verse that can only be described as a 3-year-old’s ideal grocery shopping list mixed with an on-the-spectrum Rachel Ray’s vocalized fever dream.

I guess you could say I started getting concerned around the 8th time you said cake. When you started listing names of different kinds of cake I got really worried and mostly just upset.

Anyway, this is not a post to remind you about the $50,000 you owe me. I am just concerned.

Let me know if you want to talk. Please stay away from any and all Carvel’s.

Love,

Jeff

Reason #2: Hot Marketing Opportunities

     

OK Jay, you’ve made it clear that you will not pay attention to my claim unless you can somehow turn it into an App that athletes can download, giving them access to 75 minutes of nonsense that they can then sell to white twenty-somethings.

I have the next best thing.

I will consider the $50,000 you give me a contract for me to give you hot marketing opportunities. Check this one out.

You know how you recently removed the hyphen between Jay & Z? THAT’S WASTED SPACE.

May I draw your attention to the oft-ignored punctuation mark known as the Interrobang? It is meant to display an exclaimed question and guess what? IT DOESN’T APPEAR ON A SINGLE KEYBOARD IN THE UNITED STATES.

Do you know what this means‽ (nailed it)

It means that you can start manufacturing and selling keyboards to every single person that wants to type your name. Lately, thats a lot of freaking people.

Look forward to the $50k!

Best,

Jeff

Reason #912: Magna Carta Holy Grail The Torah Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire

Hey Jay-Z,

It has been a long time since we’ve chatted and dude you’re all over the place. I’m gonna get right to the point; I think you need me as part of your crew.

I saw the commercial for your album that is attached to an App that is attached to a phone that people are super excited for even though it’s been about a decade since you’ve released a great album.

Look it’s cool that you get to bro down with  Rick Rubin and Swizz Beats and Pharrell Williams and Timbaland, but have you ever thought of adding Jeff Israel to the bro down mix? 

They aren’t really doing much and, actually when you consider it, Rick Rubin appears to be doing more harm to your couch than good.

What will I bring to the table? How about some ideas?! 

Maybe I’ll interrupt Pharrell during his 50th retelling of the time he wrote Rump Shaker and hit you with this:

"Hey Jay, and Pharrell sorry for interrupting. I can’t wait to hear about the time Wreckz-N-Effect toured with Snow. How about this for a commercial? Robinson Cano hears you have an album that he can download but his Samsung is low on battery. He finds a Duracell Power Mat, charges his phone up to capacity, downloads Magna Carta Shroud Of Turin, starts playing it on some sort of headphone you should start endorsing STAT and then texts Jason Kidd, ‘Get Ready’?

How about that for fucking synergy. Rick Rubin’s over there Charley Murphy-ing your couch and I am coming up with ways to tie in every freakin’ thing you’ve got your hand in.

MAYBE WE WILL SET THE COMMERCIAL IN CUBA.

That idea is for free, Jay.

Talk Soon

Jeff

Reason #9: I Don’t Need A Benz

Hey Jay-Z,

How’s it going? Congrats on babyonce #2! That is super exciting. Just a reminder, my offer still stands to babysit

Anyway, I saw you got Skylar Diggins a brand new Benz for graduation after signing to Roc Nation sports. That is very generous of you.

I can see now why you may be hesitating on giving me the $50,000 you rightfully owe me. You are probably thinking, “Yeah I have no issues giving Jeff the money. What’s 50 grand to a motherfucker like me, can you please remind me? But the traditional co-gift of a Benz is a bit much with a second child on the way. HOV!”

I get it, Jay. And I’m nothing if not understanding.

Listen, I don’t need a Benz! I’m more of a Honda guy. I have had 2 Accords but switched to the Civic a few years ago because it’s much better for city driving and parking. My lease is up in July and I’ll probably go with the 2013 Civic which has been TOTALLY redesigned. I don’t really care though. All I require are 4 wheels that move in a direction that I specify & place for an Aux cable.

So don’t worry about giving me a car. It’s not necessary. If you do want to co-sign my lease though, it might be helpful. I’m not sure where my credit is at these days. 

Talk soon!

Love,

Jeff

Reason #26.2: I’ll Donate All Of It

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Hey Jay-Z,

It’s been a terrifying and sad and exhausting week in my city of Boston so I’ll cut right to the point.

Every bit of the $50,000 you give me will go to The One Fund. 

Please help out this amazing charity so I don’t have to start pleading for the $50k to name a goddamned boat That Ship Cray again.

Love,

Jeff