Can I Have $50,000 Jay-Z?

Reason #9: I Don’t Need A Benz

Hey Jay-Z,

How’s it going? Congrats on babyonce #2! That is super exciting. Just a reminder, my offer still stands to babysit. 

Anyway, I saw you got Skylar Diggins a brand new Benz for graduation after signing to Roc Nation sports. That is very generous of you.

I can see now why you may be hesitating on giving me the $50,000 you rightfully owe me. You are probably thinking, “Yeah I have no issues giving Jeff the money. What’s 50 grand to a motherfucker like me, can you please remind me? But the traditional co-gift of a Benz is a bit much with a second child on the way. HOV!”

I get it, Jay. And I’m nothing if not understanding.

Listen, I don’t need a Benz! I’m more of a Honda guy. I have had 2 Accords but switched to the Civic a few years ago because it’s much better for city driving and parking. My lease is up in July and I’ll probably go with the 2013 Civic which has been TOTALLY redesigned. I don’t really care though. All I require are 4 wheels that move in a direction that I specify & place for an Aux cable.

So don’t worry about giving me a car. It’s not necessary. If you do want to co-sign my lease though, it might be helpful. I’m not sure where my credit is at these days. 

Talk soon!

Love,

Jeff

Reason #26.2: I’ll Donate All Of It

Hey Jay-Z,

It’s been a terrifying and sad and exhausting week in my city of Boston so I’ll cut right to the point.

Every bit of the $50,000 you give me will go to The One Fund. 

Please help out this amazing charity so I don’t have to start pleading for the $50k to name a goddamned boat That Ship Cray again.

Love,

Jeff

Reason #WTF: Are You Just Fucking With Me Now, Jay-Z?

Sean,

What the fuck, man? I thought we had a deal here? 

I give you advice. You give me $50,000. I mean, you should just give me the $50k anyway, because you owe it to me. I’m just offering this advice as proof of my valuable service.

So, with that in mind, I was a bit PERPLEXED when I saw that you are looking to sell your 0.067% ownership stake in the Brooklyn Nets and then looked at my PayPal account and saw it was at $0.00.

HMMM, I thought. Where did I see such sage advice urging you to get out of your ownership so you can start exploiting representing NBA players? Oh, well golly me, I seem to have found it right here on THIS very website.

So Jay-Z, I have to assume that you are now just kind of fucking with me. I am not sure why this is.

Is it because I like Nas better?

Is it because I skipped the Phish show where you played with them?

Is this because I thought Beyonce’s documentary was self indulgent and kinda boring?

WHY ARE YOU TROLLING ME, JAY-Z?

Love,

Jeff

Reason #No Limit: Roc Nation Sports Adviser

Hey Jay-Z,

How’s it going? Congrats on the big news about starting up your own Sports Representation Agency, Roc Nation Sports.

As a sports fan and a person whom you owe $50,000 to, I am happy to use the $50,000 fee as a mutual contract to advise you on issues relating to sports.

Some free tips:

Name Change Part 1: Roc Nation?! You are pigeonholing yourself to only dealing with American sports. All the big contracts are in futbol. Roc International Sports. Wow. Gamechanger.

Name Change Part 2: Are you seriously naming your agency after your record label? Ask Master P how No Limit Sports Management did. It turns out there was a Limit and it was getting good a contract for Ricky Williams. Other than that? No Limit whatsoever. Change it to something more Prestige Worldwide-y, then in 15 years, when Drake opens Young Money Cash Money Billionaires Sports Agency and starts representing Maple Leafs you can laugh at him.

Avoid Running Backs: Well, as discussed Master P had RIcky Williams signed to one of the worst contracts ever. Then there was Larry Johnson who you signed to your clothing label. Not to discredit Larry Johnson, but I forgot his name and had to Google “Chiefs Running Back That Used To Be Good That Isn’t Priest Holmes”. Go with athletes with more staying power. Small forwards, Defenseman,Knuckleballers, etc.

Back Out Of Brooklyn Nets Ownership: Sure you own like 0.147% of the Nets, but everyone assumes you tell Mikail Prokhorov what to do. Get the hell out of there and start representing some NBA players. That’s where the money is. 

Those are just 4 great FREE tips. Think of the stuff that will come rolling in when I start getting paid for this shit!

CV not attached,

Jeff

Reason #761: Hey, I’m A Gentleman

Hey Jay-Z,

It’s been a while man. I hope your Passover is going well. 

I read yesterday that you are bringing a full-time cigar roller on tour with old, white Bruno Mars Justin Timberlake this summer in order to create “A Gentleman’s Club” backstage at every show.

Well, Jay, not only am I a gentle man, I’ve also been involved with several clubs; The Journalism Club, The Yearbook Club, The Hofstra Filmmaker’s Club to name a few.

I get that you are trying to bring a tangible amount of class to the touring life. Well guess what, I’m classy as shit.

 With the $50,000 you give me, I will lend some gentlemanly class to the Legends Of Summer Tour [Woaahhhhhh, that’s a pretty classy tour name, but I think I can improve on it by the end of the post!]

-Good liquor: Jay, I like classy booze. I have a bottle of Jefferson’s Presidential Select 18 Bourbon in my apartment. I think it cost $90. Not fully sure. It was a gift. Anyway, I have like 3/4 of the bottle left, but I’ll be happy to bring it on tour with us!

-Be on my ‘Suit & Tie shit’: I’m not entirely sure what this means but JT says it alot so it must be CLASSY AS FUCK. Maybe it means standing on the pins they put in a brand new dress shirt? Or the plastic bag they deliver dry cleaning in? Whatever it is, I will do both of those things with vigor.

-Wear a robe: I have a MONOGRAMMED robe. Do you need to read any further?

-Secondary robe: I also have a robe that isn’t monogrammed. Does anyone else you roll with have dual robe swag? 

-Monacle: Everyone backstage will have to wear monacles just like the classiest person to ever exist; Mr. Peanut. In my case, I’m pretty blind so I will be wearing one contact lens as well. 

So, see you backstage on the Mr. Peanut’s Classy Famous Musicians Magical Ballpark Tour of Summer Swag Class Gentleman Tour?

Send money fast,

Jeff

Reason #9: I Will Adopt Lil Poopy

Hey Jay-Z,

How is it goin?

Forgive me if I’m reaching out to you while you’re in the process of PayPal’ing me $50k. I know it can take a few days to process. Fantasy sports, right?

In the off chance you are not currently paying me $50,000, I wanted to reach out to you with a tale of woe. 

Brockton-based 9-year-old rapper Lil Poopy’s family is under investigation for child neglect. Something about smacking groupies on the ass or something.

If I know Massachusetts courts like I think I do, they’ll take him away from his family to linger in the state system.

We can’t let that happen, Jay. With the $50,000 you give me, I pledge to adopt Lil Poopy Lil Poopy Israel and I will raise him as my own.

I will foster his development as a musician until one day he is the biggest rapper of all time. Then, I imagine some snarky 30-year-old asshole will start a blog (or whatever exists in the future) to ask him for some nominal amount of money.

Save Lil Poopy,

Jeff

Reason #Chai: Jewish Mom Guilt

Hey Jay-Z,

By now I’m sure you’ve been alerted to the fact that the press are onto my claim for $50,000.

But, there’s someone else you should be worried about hounding you now; my Mom.

Ever hear of Jewish Mom Guilt, Jay-Z? Well, holy shit it’s so on.

Remember that time Rick Rubin made you take your shoes off while you were recording “99 Problems” and when you asked him why, he just said, ‘Don’t worry about it?”

That was mere child’s play, my friend.

I’m just warning you, that you might as well pay me sooner rather than later.

Your Friend,

Jeff

Reason #1918: Navigating The Red Sox

Hey Jay-Z,

What’s happening man?

First, I just wanted to check in on the status of the $50,000 you owe me.

Additionally, I just heard today that you and Justin Timberlake are going to play Fenway Park which is kinda nuts!

You guys put out that song Suit & Tie which I don’t really enjoy, but 27 to 34-year-old white ladies are FLIPPING THEIR SHIT about it. They keep posting it on Facebook being all like “Love!” and “I can’t!” and occasionally “I can’t. Love.”

So yeah, I guess it’s a pretty big deal that this show is happening, but you can’t just walk into Fenway Park and play a show. This place has history. It’s not the Barclay’s Center.

Fortunately, I’ve been reading the new book Francona so I can provide you some savvy insight into the inner-workings of the Red Sox for the low, low price of $50,000.

Here are some examples

 - Larry Lucchino Plans Your Setlist: Sorry buddy, that’s the way it goes at Fenway. If he wants “Run This Town” before “99 Problems”, you gotta do it.

- Tom Werner Will Want To Get Involved: He’s kinda an attention whore so expect him to ask if he can sing Jermaine Dupri’s verse on “Money Ain’t A Thing”

- No “Empire State of Mind”:  They’ll cut the power on you.

- Read the Fine Print Very Carefully:  Don’t be surprised if Blue Ivy is forced to appear in an episode of Sox Appeal in 2031

- Buy a brick: Please?

These are just a few of the savvy tips I can relate to you over a fine meal as you give me $50,000 that is rightfully mine.

Wicked,

Jeff

Reason #44: Take The Heat Off Beyonce

Hey Jay-Z,

How’s it going? Tough day in the Knowles/Z household, eh? 

Listen, this whole Beyonce lip-synch thing is dumb as hell. Everyone knows that 99% of people lip-synch the National Anthem. We can’t even be sure that Francis Scott Key even wrote it, you know?

Anyway, if there’s one thing I learned by working in news for the better half of a decade, it’s that you need to make the media go On To The Next One (get it?!)

Replace all the headlines of B’s lip-synching with tales of how you gave some 30-year-old man (me) $50,000 out of the kindness of your heart. We’ll both know it’s because you truly owe me and you’re kinda being a punk about things, to be honest.

Anyway, be a good husband and pay me.

Best,

Jeff

Reason #5: I Am Real

Hey Jay-Z,

What’s up? Getting pumped for your wife’s Super Bowl Halftime show? Me too! I’m not a huge fan of her music but I LOVE crowdsourced intros.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: The $50,000 you owe me. 

With yesterday’s Manti Te’o fake girlfriend craziness I got thinking that maybe you don’t believe that I am real and that this $50,000 is part of some sort of scam.

Well Jay-Z, I assure you I am real. I walk the earth, breathe the air and think that the Blueprint III was only OK just like everyone else.

As you can see, I am so real I didn’t bother to learn how to mirror the image for legible text. I’m lazy. FOR REAL.

I hope this reality check helps you to get serious about what you owe me.

Thanks,

Jeff